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* NOW IN OUR 12TH YEAR * ESTABLISHED DECEMBER 7, 1995 *

"Because there's nothing on TV!"TM
This web site is part of David H. Citron's	and South Florida Radio History
Still Celebrating Our 10th Anniversary! 1995-2005 -- -- And now moving to RadioPages.net

South Florida Radio Pages / RadioPages.net
RADIO NEWS: APRIL FOOL'S DAY 2007
Covering Broward, Miami-Dade, and Palm Beach Counties

"What, me worry?"... Alfred E. Neuman
NOTICE: Just in case it isn't already painfully obvious, everything on this page (except the ads and external links and this box) is 100% fiction. It's a huge April Fool's joke especially for radio fans and people in the radio business. There is no resemblance between these news stories (and people in them) and reality, except in my warped mind. So just enjoy it and tell all your friends and coworkers! For Stuart Elliott's story of his classic April Fool's prank on listeners in 1985, when he was at "I-95" WINZ-FM, see March 2007 Radio News.	SECTION 1 of 5 / Bill O'Reilly Tarred & Feathered, Lincoln Financial Cuts Costs, Donna Hanover Returning to WSVN SECTION 2 of 5 / Randi Rhodes' Encyclopedia of Hypocrites, Clear Channel Seeking Teens, Radio Sex Doc, Good News For Traffic Reporters SECTION 3 of 5 / Young Turks, Don Agony, Air Amerika, Steven Colbert, James Crystal, Barack Hussein Osama, Jammin' Jon Sommers, Al Franken, Greg Budell, Cox Radio, Todd Scnnitt, Pat Robertson, Tom Tancredo and WKAT SECTION 4 of 5 / Beatle Brunch, Jimmy Carter, Salem Weather, Rick Shaw, Sean Hannity SECTION 5 of 5 / Jazz on Love94, Beasley News, Coka-Lani, Peter Bolger, Windows Vista, Mud Wrestling
March 2007 | Jan. | New Year |-| Dec. 2006 | Nov. | Oct. | Aug. | Aug. EXTRA | July | May |-| Main

Contact us if you're interested in advertising on a relevant page! Entire site copyright 1996-2007 by David Citron All rights reserved. Posted March 23, 2007.

APRIL FOOLS 2007: SECTION 1 of 5 ⇒ Bill O'Reilly Tarred & Feathered, Donna Hanover to Rejoin Channel 7, Lincoln Financial Cuts Costs
April Fools 2007 Radio News - SECTION 1 2 3 4 5 || March | Jan. | New Year | Main Page
	Drastic Cost Cutting at Lincoln Financial Conference Room Surveillance Photo from the Lincoln Financial Building on US 441 in North Dade Dilbert - The Complete Series (Miami, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... After determining that the bottom line hadn't improved enough from firing Eric Brandon immediately after taking over the Jefferson-Pilot stations last spring, Lincoln Financial is taking more drastic measures to save money at their Miami stations "Majic 102.7" WMXJ, "Lite 101.5" WLYF, and "Sports Talk 790 - The Ticket" WAXY. The proverbial pointy-haired boss has instructed all Lincoln Financial employees to use semicolons instead of colons and to use small fonts whenever possible. Thanks for the tip from trainee Asok and especially Scott Adams.
Donna Hanover to Rejoin Channel 7 News Team   (Miami, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... Former Channel 7 newswoman and former Rudy Giuliani wife Donna Hanover will bring a new dimension to Fox's "fair and balanced" when she rejoins the WSVN news team to cover the 2008 Florida presidential primary... in which her ex-husband is a leading candidate. So she should have an interesting and unique perspective. "It was either rehiring Donna or Rick Sanchez" stated an unnamed Deco Drive spokeslady. "And Donna knows all the good dirt. Rick wouldn't fit in as well on Deco Drive anyway. We already have Louie Louie, Oh Oh, Gonna get you down low." Hanover is the author of My Boyfriend's Back, a romantic collection of true stories about reconnection with lost loves. For more info, see Giuliani family matters put private life issues into play for GOP on WSVN's web site. Fox's Bill O'Reilly Attacked at NY Studios OPIE & ANTHONY AND WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY COMMENT (New York, NY -- April 1, 2007) ... Bloviating talker Bill O'Reilly was tarred and feathered outside his NY studios today by two good-natured yet hostile mobs, in a rare display of internecine cooperation among political foes. The motley crowd wielding the hot tar was comprised of devout ultra-liberal religious fanatics, from Daniel Berrigan to Jesse Jackson. Turkey feathers were artfully added by a mob of fiscal conservatives and libertarians who are secularist and strongly believe in separation of church and state. But what both groups had in common was resentment of O'Reilly's favorite pejorative term, secularist progressive, which is an insult to both groups: secularists who aren't progressive and progressives who aren't secularist. ("Secularist progressive" is O'Reilly's latest gimmick to incite the rabble in his TV and radio audience.) No charges were filed and the police laughed it off. "This inexplicable event is a rare instance... in modern post-Watergate American society... when organizations with conflicting interests... amicably cooperate... for the common weal... in promoting the free and open exchange of ideas" opined conservative columnist William F. Buckley Jr. "I'm sure this hugger-muggery was an enjoyable and healthful experience for the gangs of garrulous guttersnipes who participated... with the possible exception of the esteemed Mr. O'Reilly... because it enabled all those who had been dissed by Mr. O'Reilly ... to recognize their great commonality with regard to the myopic views of this exceptional bloviating blowhard. There are many more items and designs! I heartily and enthusiastically applaud all involved for heeding the clarion call... of our historic civic duty... to our great American republic and posterity." The aging [ Culture Warrior ] was taken to the Captain Joseph Hazelton Mobil-Exxon Memorial Wildlife De-Oiling Center in Chappaquiddick Massachusetts for tar removal, along with several careless pigeons which got in the way. Talker Neal Boortz will be filling in for O'Reilly until his tailfeathers grow back. Opie and Anthony have claimed full responsibility for the stunt. "It's more fun than a dumb Wee Wii contest" said Opie. "And no listeners were hurt" added Anthony. "Except the dumb pigeons. Pigeons suck. Huh huh heh heh." Bill O'Reilly spins daily at noon on news/talk station WFTL 850 in south Florida. Opie and Anthony are heard daily on "103.1 The Buzz" WPBZ.

APRIL FOOLS 2007: SECTION 2 of 5 ⇒ Radio Sex Doc Arrested, Traffic Reporters, Randi Rhodes' Encyclopedia of Hypocrites, Clear Channel Seeks Teens
April Fools 2007 Radio News - SECTION 1 2 3 4 5 || March | Jan. | New Year | Main Page
Randy Rhodes Encyclopedia of Hypocrites Rescheduled For 2008 Publication (New York, NY -- April 1, 2007) ... Randy Rhodes has finally admitted on air today what the real reason is that her Big Encyclopedia of Republican Hypocrites wasn't published on schedule last summer. Rhodes has switched sides and is instead writing the ten-volume Huge Encyclopedia of Democrat Hypocrites, which promises to be twice as big! "I've been writing a new chapter every day since the 110th congress convened" exclaimed Rhodes. "What a bunch of demagogues and crooks and liars in this vast left-wing conspiracy! Lying sacks of bovine excrement. Why didn't I see this before?" Rhodes is heard daily at 3 PM on WINZ 940 and WJNO 1290 in south Florida, but is considering a switch to Fox News Channel, where she would either replace Greta van Susteren or be an intern for Bill O'Reilly. Unlicensed Brokered Radio Sex Doc Arrested (Coral Springs, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... One of the sponsors of the Steve Kane Show, an operator of a chain of sex clinics, has been arrested for posing as a doctor. He also had his own show on Beasley's WSBR and WWNN. "Don't worry. We investigate our advertisers very carefully" said producer Brian Craig, regarding the loss of revenue. "Our new sponsor will be a very reputable old crone who spins straw into gold. For investment purposes only, of course. Read the prospectus before investing." Prosecutors and defense are equally concerned about whether Mrs. Kane, who voiced commercials for the clinic, will be subpoenaed to testify regarding the results in Kane's case. They're worried about whether Steve Kane's evidence will stand up in court. Clear Channel Seeking 16-to-18-Year-Olds (Miramar, FL -- April 1, 2007)... "Where have all the teenagers gone?" ask radio executives everywhere. BACK ISSUES OF SOUTH FLORIDA RADIO NEWS Gone to MP3 players and web radio, every one. When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn? In an effort to lure the 16, 17, and 18-year old demographic from iPods back to Clear Channel stations, "Y-100" WHYI has started a new Saturday morning program called Rockin' The SATs from 9 'til 10 AM. Why that time? "The malls open at ten" explains CC spokesflack Fuller Schnitt. A similar program called Pimpin' The SATs is being considered for "The Beat" WMIB if this program proves successful..		Good News for Traffic Reporters (Miramar, FL -- April 1, 2007)... Clear Channel's laid-off traffic reporters have been offered the opportunity to direct traffic and wash the company vehicles in the large Clear Channel facilities in Miramar and West Palm Beach. "But they will be expected to supply their own soap and car wax" cautions company spokesmn George Vonnegut.

APRIL FOOLS 2007: SECTION 3 of 5 ⇒ Young Turks, Don Agony, Air Amerika, Steven Colbert, James Crystal, Barack Hussein Osama, Jammin' Jon Sommers, Al Franken, Greg Budell, Cox Radio, Todd Scnnitt, Pat Robertson, Tancredo and WKAT
April Fools 2007 Radio News - SECTION 1 2 3 4 5 || March | Jan. | New Year | Main Page
Air America's Young Turks on Defensive (Istanbul, Turkey -- April 1, 2007) ... The Constantinople Branch of the Middle Eastern Anti-Defamation Society has filed a complaint with the FCC about Air America's newest program, which is mislabeled The Young Turks. When asked why such a liberal and egalitarian network as Air America would host a program with such an insulting stereotypical name, spokesturkey John Kerry opined that "that's nobody's business but the Turks." He claimed to have voted against the program before voting for it. Best of The Young Turks is heard weekends on WINZ 940 in south Florida. Don Agony (Don Anthony) Throws Hat In Ring Former Clear Channel reporter Don Anthony a/k/a Don Agony (Greg Budell's former sidekick on both WAXY-FM and WJNA) has declared his candidacy for president on the Vegetarian Party ticket. WFTL's Joyce Kaufman will be his running mate. "Now don't confuse our party with the similarly named Vagitarian Party," said party spokesflake Frieda Potatoe. "It is totally different in intent and diet." When asked if using two different names would make him appear dishonest and two-faced, Anthony/Agony said "If it works for Hillary Rodman, it can work for me." Just as Barack Hussein Obama benefited from the similarity of his name to Saddam Hussein, Osama Ben Laden, and the movie Borat, the Donald expects to be thought of as a relative of Michael Anthony, the 1950s TV character who gave someone a million dollars every week, a gift from John Beresford Tipton in The Millionaire. Colbert Admits Secret on Savage Nation (New York, NY -- April 1, 2007) ... TV Talker Steven Colbert admitted on the San Francisco-based Savage Nation today that he is neither Irish nor French, as he had suggested when he guested on The O'Reilly Factor in January. Instead, the Kazakhstan emigre told Michael Savage that he had actually created the name based on his inexplicable chat-room name, Cold Bear (short for Kohl Baikonur), and his insatiable desire for cold beer. "My kids call me 'old Borat'" said Colbert, "but that wouldn't work. Borat was my neighbor in the old country, by the way." James Crystal to Drop ManTalk Format ((Fort Lauderdale, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... Two months after a lawsuit was filed against James Crystal for using the ManTalk brand without permission, management has announced the upcoming flip this summer to Baroque Classical Music (roughly 1600 – 1760), which has never been tried in this market. "We considered just changing it to MenTalk 640" reported station spokesman Paul Kenii "but we figured the average WMEN listener wasn't smart enough to make the transition from ManTalk to MenTalk. So we're going for baroque instead." "We've learned from the well-documented mistakes of the oldies stations" adds Kenii. "As the audience ages, we'll gradually phase in the classical music of the late 1700s and early 1800s, to attract younger listeners." Osama Drops Political Bombshell on NPR (Washington, DC -- April 1, 2007) ... Illinois Senator Barack Hussein Osama dropped an unexpected campaign bombshell on the Hollywood establishment and his party today on NPR's All Things Considered. Since his presidential campaign unexpectedly peaked a year too early, he will be changing his name to Borat, to take advantage of the advertising when the popular movie of the same name is released on DVD. "It's only fair" said Osama. "Hillary is expected to call herself Dennis Rodman for political advantage during basketball season." All Things Considered is heard on WXEL 90.7 and WLRN 91.3 in south Florida.	Todd Schnitt Project Nearing Completion San Antonio, TX -- April 1, 2007) ... With firings by Clear Channel continuing at a frantic rate, industry observers suggest that their Todd Schnitt Cloning Program (first mentioned in Radio News in 2003) is near an end, and that all Clear Channel airwaves will soon be full of Schnitt, In a project inspired by Spock's Brain, an episode of Star Trek, all Clear Channel personnel will ultimately be controlled remotely from a console connected to Schnitt's Brain, at WFLA in Tampa. Therefore, the correct terminology for these Clear Channel people will technicslly be Schnitt for Brains, The Schnitt Show is heard daily at 3 PM on WIOD 610 in south Florida. California's Demise Predicted (Fort Lauderdale, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... On WLVJ today, Pat Robertson prayed that the big California earthquake considered to be long overdue will occur early on Election Day 2008, ultimately giving the state's electoral votes to Republicans. Greg Budell To Return (Miramar, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... Greg Budell will triumphantly return to Miami radio next month, this time as General Manager of Clear Channel's Miami cluster. "The Clear Channel suits have screwed up this market so bad, from top to bottom, that corporate is firing us all to bring in new blood" said an exiting account executive who chose not to be identified. Tancredo Featured in New WKAT Event (Denver, CO -- April 1, 2007) ... Xenophobic Colorado congressman Tom "Plain Vanilla" Tancredo, who gained Miami notoriety last year for foolishly saying Miami is a third-world country, will get a chance today to explain to Floridians that he meant to say that Miami should be in a third-world country. Tancredo will be the grand marshall for WKAT's First Annual Miami White Pride Parade today, off of US 27 (Okeechobee Road) just northwest of Pennsuco. Turn left at the second burning cross and say Lester sent ya. Hoods are optional. Al Franken On TVLand Tonight (Hollywood, CA -- April 1, 2007) ... In a special Dobie Gillis tribute to be seen tonight -- only on TVLand -- Air America's Al Franken will show never-before-seen before and after photos of his plastic surgery when he changed his name from Steve to Al. "As a young Camelot-era liberal, I got sick of being reminded that I was rich kid Chatsworth Osborne Junior on the show, and the plastic surgery and name change helped me put it behind me. Now, decades later, I wish I had stayed that handsome, instead of the aging toad I am today." Cox Radio Uses Peer Pressure Successfully (Hollywood, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... Cox Radio's has a new strategy to keep employees out of trouble at its Miami Cluster. It is reserving the best parking spaces in its Hollywood facility for employees of stations where no one has been arrested recently. Cox made radio history a few years ago when a WEDR deejay and a WHQT deejay were arrested in the same week.

APRIL FOOLS 2007: SECTION 4 of 5 ⇒ Beatle Brunch, Aim America Jon Sommers, Salem Weather, Rick Shaw Retirement, Sean Hannity
April Fools 2007 Radio News - SECTION 1 2 3 4 5 || March | Jan. | New Year | Main Page
Beatle Brunch Facing Cancellation But We'll Always Have Paris (Miami, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... In its continuing effort to redefine oldies and alienate older listeners to attract younger ones, Lincoln Financial's oldies station "Majic 102.7" WMXJ is planning to cancel Joe Johnson's Beatle Brunch early next year. The music of the Beatles has long been considered to be "too old" for WMXJ's target demographic, since the group disbanded 37 years ago, two members are dead, and the rest are doddering senior citizens, approaching 70. Johnson's long-running show will be replaced with three or more alternating programs representing the 1980s, tentatively Devo Dinner, Michael Jackson Junk Food, and Cyndi Lauper Lunch, hosted by Paris Hilton. Meanwhile, Johnson is brushing up on reggaeton music.
Salem Broadcasting Drops Weather (Washington, DC -- April 1, 2007) ... In light of the recent Weather Channel political announcement by a renegade weatherbimbo that meteorologists who don't believe in Global Warming should lose their certification, Salem Broadcasting has dropped weathercasts in favor of hourly prayercasts. "Pray for good weather" suggests Salem spokespreacher Wilby Dunn. Rick Shaw Postpones Majic Retirement (Miami, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... Retiring Majic 102.7 deejay Rich Shaw announced today on his morning show with Donna Davis, that since WMXJ-FM hasn't found a suitable replacement for him yet, he'll hang around for another ten years. Sean Hannity Divorce Papers Filed (New York, NY -- April 1, 2007) ... Talker Sean Hannity may be getting a divorce, requested by his long-suffering wife on grounds of sexual exhaustion. "Every effing night after he gets home from Fox, and I'm ready for some rest, he wants sex and says the same damn thing... 'Three lousy hours a day is all I ask'" explains Mrs. Hannity. "Can you imagine, three whole hours! No wonder I'm a nervous wreck! I wonder, does Hillary have the same problem?"	Air Amerika Lecture Series (Miramar, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... Making War Safe For Non-Uniformed Indigenous Islamic Non-White Freedom Fighters Against Racist American Imperialism And Other Living Things is the subject of a special lecture series by Air Amerika hostess Randi Rhodes and Democratic high priest Michael Moore. The lectures, starting today, will sponsored by progressive WINZ at Clear Channel's Monica Lewinsky Theatre at its Miramar offices. There is no admission charge but a pledge to Hamas or Hezbollah or the Borat Hussein Osama Campaign Committee is requested. Jammin Jon To Be Dancing In The Streets (Plantation, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... Because of thinning off-season crowds, former WJNA host Jon Sommers is taking a hiatus from his weekly oldies dances and will be taking his show on the road, driving an ice cream truck all summer. "It'll be the world's first all-request ice cream truck" says Sommers, "with the best all-request oldies music and the best ice cream of any ice cream truck in the whole wide world. People will drive from Andytown, Big Pine Key, Cape Canaveral, Deltona, Englewood, Fort Walton Beach, Gainesville, Homosassa Springs, Indiantown, Jensen Beach, Kissimmee, Lehigh Acres, Mount Dora, Niceville, Opa-Locka, Pennsuco, Quincy, Riviera Beach, Sunny Isles Beach, Tavernier, Umatilla, Victoria Park, Wilton Manors, Yeehaw Junction, and Zephyrhills for my famous ice cream." For more info about Sommers, see "Jammin'" Jon Sommers on WJNA After Hurricane Wilma. Peanut Farmer To Join Air Amerika? (New York, NY -- April 1, 2007) ... Rumors are flying that Jimmy Carter will replace the vacating Al Franken on Air Amerika. "With Jimmy's similar speaking style and scintillating sense of humor, no one will even notice that whatsisname is gone, the cheapskate weisenheimer comedian" says spokescomrade George Tsoros. Carter's virulent anti-Semitism is expected to appeal to Air Amerika's core listeners. Carter’s recent book has drawn much-overdue attention to the politicized funding of the Carter Center, whose donor list includes anti-Israeli tycoons and Middle Eastern states, all with an axe to grind. See The Question of Carter’s Cash.

APRIL FOOLS 2007: SECTION 5 of 5 ⇒ Jazz on Love94, Beasley News, Coka-Lani, Peter Bolger, Windows Vista, Mud Wrestling
April Fools 2007 Radio News - SECTION 1 2 3 4 5 || March | Jan. | New Year | Main Page
Jazz Returning To Love 94 (Miramar, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... Almost thirty-two years after dropping the jazz format, "Love 94" WLVE (previously WBUS The Magic Bus) is dropping smooth jazz and slowly returning to better jazz. "We'll phase it in gradually, so as to educate and not scare off the unsopohisticated listeners" said a Clear Channel spokesflack Kenny H. "We'll play all kinds of jazz, from big band and bebop to progressive jazz and ska. And Latin jazz, of course. We'll set the market on fire and put those dreary rappers to shame." All smooth jazz CDs in the station library will be donated to charity. If no charity wants them, they will be sold for $1 each as rear-view mirror ornaments at the Swap Shop Flea Market in Fort Lauderdale. Beasley's Undocumented News Inspired By Florida Politician (Naples, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... Naples-based Beasley Broadcast Group -- owner of WQAM, WPOW, WKIS, WWNN, WSBR, and WHSR in southeast Florida -- has been inspired by a state legislator from Miami. In February, Florida Senator Frederica Wilson, D-Miami, who says "An alien to me is someone from out of space," introduced a bill banning use of the term "illegal alien." The bill states that: "A state agency or official may not use the term 'illegal alien' in an official document of the state." Wilson prefers the non-judgemental term "undocumented." (And state legislator is such a complicated term when moron will do just fine.) How was Beasley inspired by this Orwellian terminology? From now on, it will be illegal to refer to programming on WWNN, WSBR, and WHSR as "brokered" programs. From now on, all such programs will be called "undocumented news."
Coka-Lani Hits The Spot (Atlanta, GA -- April 1, 2007) ... Coka-Lani, fired by Clear Channel's "The Beat" WMIB just before Christmas, has moved to Atlanta and changed her name to Coca-Cola. She is now consulting for a well-known international beverage company. Clear Channel Flips Pending (Miramar, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... The big shots at Clear Channel have decided to flip one of their stations in the Miami cluster to Christmas music come Thanksgiving, as a prelude to flipping to a new format on January 1. The only problem is, they haven't decided which station to flip. There are so many likely candidates. Peter Bolger Has Left The Building (Miramar, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... After an illustrious career at Clear Channel Miami, where he directed WINZ and WIOD, Despite a long and glorious radio career, Bolger will perhaps best be remembered as the scarecrow in the 1939 movie The Wizard Of Oz.		Special Edition of Windows Vista Announced (Palm Beach, FL -- April 1, 2007) ... On Craig Crossman's Computer America, featured guest Bill Gates of Microsoft today announced a special edition of Windows Vista featuring extra large fonts especially for senior citizens. The new release is called Windows 79 Wistful Vista. WMEN Hosts First Live Mud Wrestling Show on Local Radio In keeping with its theme of radio for hip young men, Mantalk 640 will be presenting live ladies' mud wrestling, Saturday nights from 11 PM 'til 5 AM. Saturday Night Ladies Mud Wrestling For Hip Young Men will feature play-by-play commentary and extra audio-enhanced squishy sound effects. Like Don and Mike, this program will be specifically targeted at the losers who aren't getting any. It is believed to be the first live mud wrestling show on local radio.

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