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RADIO NEWS: APRIL 1, 2012
Covering Broward, Miami-Dade, and Palm Beach Counties
Rush Limbaugh Shocks Audience By Declaring Candidacy During Open Line Friday
(Palm Beach, FL -- April 1, 2012) .... For many years, he's been telling people he would never run for President, every time he's been asked.
Following is an exclusive official transcript of Rush Limbaugh's announcement of his candidacy, broadcast during the last hour of Open Line Friday, the special Friday edition of The Rush Limbaugh Program.
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For untold weeks now I have been calling Rick Santorum "the only conservative left standing" -- because frankly Mitt Romney and Ron Paul are not conservatives and never have been, while Newt Gingrich is a small lizard who reminds me of a gecko who sells car insurance for a very liberal company with government in its name.... OK, for you folks in Rio Linda, GEICO originally was known as Government Employees Insurance Company. G E I Co.
Actually, in the interest of fair play, I must admit that the main reason I won't support fellow conservative Newt Gingrich is because I, Rush Limbaugh, perceive that he is demonstrably brainier than I, Rush Limbaugh am, and that scares me no end. Obama and Clinton were supposed to be smart, and look at the messes they got us in to. Are still getting us into, if you include Mrs. C and the State Department. So there! Hmmmm.... A blast from the past, I remember when Mrs. C was what Fonzie called Richie Cunningham's mother.
Well, that scatterbrained dolt Mr. Santorum embarrassed me no end with his remarks, so I now have to stick my formerly nicotine-stained neck out and get elected president, to save the day. As much as I truly love and adore the warm and fuzzy traditional conservatism practiced by our social conservatives, some of them -- Like Mr. Santorum -- just don't get the big picture. Vowing to outlaw abortion or abolish homosexuality or even to take out the garbage and walk the dog every night won't get us elected and doing so won't get us out of the mess we're in anyway. Promising to cut taxes and spending, repeal Obamacare, and undo all the extraconstitutional garbage inflicted upon us by the Obama regime will.
"What did Santorum say?" you may impatiently ask. In due time.
On the day in question, about a week ago, Santorum opened his big stupid holier-than-thou piehole and uttered a crass exhortation comparable to very few vaguely hilarious and sufficiently obscure moments of fabled electoral history -- not including the manifest gaffes of Joe The Plumber's Helper Biden or Dan Quayle's Murphy Brown Incident, in which he criticized the licentious behavior of a fictional TV sitcom character! Murphy Brown was no Fluke, heh heh heh.... Yes, Mr. Snerdly, I know the correct pronunciation. But I am not going to say "Fluck" on the air! Oops!
Continuing with this historic montage, I am especially reminded of Michigan Governor George Romney's campaign-killing remark of September 4, 1967, back when I was just a youngun. Romney told a Detroit TV interviewer that he had been brainwashed by American generals into supporting the Vietnam war effort. You could have heard a pin drop. Crickets. Campaign over. Dead in the water like Senator John Kerry's fabled swift boat.
Well, Senator "take it for the team" Santorum topped Mitt's pop's remarks of 45 years ago when he recently told voters that if they were supporting Romney, they might as well vote for Obama. So basically he's still taking it for the team, albeit the WRONG team! No, I am not making this up. Play clip number eighty-seven, please, Mr. Snerdly.
Ricky Santorum, you gots some 'splaining to do!
The senator's historic words will be vividly emblazoned upon all the big Obama ads this fall, in living color and twice as natural. These ridiculously unfortunate, wildly unthinkable words will someday be etched upon his tombstone, and I don't mean amongst the pepperoni on a Tombstone Pizza.
The bottom line is, Mr. Santorum has basically embarrassed me into running for presidennt, in penance for my frequently and STUPIDLY -- to recycle an historic beer summit Obamaism -- calling him "the only conservative left standing." Mea culpa. Those ill-conceived words will keep me up nights, tragically, until I can fully and completely atone for them misstatements as your President of The United States, across the fruited plain, from sea to shining sea, ditto ditto et cetera. My formerly nicotine-stained Sleep Number Bed is not at fault for this sleeplessness, since the Sleep Number folks had previously fluked themselved by giving up their enviable berth as a long-time EIB advertiser. The Salvation Army now has possession of that bed. I, Rush Limbaugh, think they plan to auction it off because of its proud heritage. Rush Limbaugh Slept Here... has an historic ring to it, dont you think?
By the way, I, Rush Limbaugh, using my talent on loan from GOD, have discovered, at the insignificant bottom of my unusually huge pile of stuff, that Sandra Fluke will be the new, eminently experienced -- dare I say it? -- Spokesperson for The Sleep Number Bed. See, I told you so! Never let it be said that I hold a grudge. Congratulations, Sandra Fluke! That's using your collegiate experience wisely!
Now, with much soul searching and at least as much Google searching, I have waited until the last possible moment to declare my candidacy for President of The United States, knowing full well that I would have to give up my cash cow, my top-rated radio program -- and even the esteemed Limbaugh Institute For Advanced Conservative Studies -- for the duration. I conceivably might even have to go on food stamps. Just kidding, Mr. Snerdly!
I now am holding my draft card and a certified copy of my birth certificate in my formerly nicotine-stained hands, and I'm ready to rumble. I also have my elementary school bus pass and high school library card, all documents that Der Obamameister has withheld or fraudulently created. My papers are ready to be filed Monday morning.
Starting Monday, Mr. Herman Cain -- The Hermanator -- will be taking over the shiny Golden EIB Microphone, the finely crafted Two If By Tea empire, The Limbaugh Family Palm Beach Mansion and Compound and its stable of SUVs, and of course The Rush Limbaugh Program in my absence, until either after the GOP convention or until Monday January 23, 2017, depending on how things work out. I know that in 2017, many of you valued listeners won't be around any more -- if you know what I mean -- if we don't elect a Republican congress that will repeal and defund Obamacare and its death panels, so please stay active in the 2012 campaign, even if you do not choose to support me.
Sitting in for me, Rush Limbaugh, for the last fifteen minutes of today's show will be Todd Schnitt, some Clear Channel gomer I never heard of from WFLA in Tampa. It's the best we could do on such short notice, since WFTL's hot and talented talkmaster-ette Joyce Kaufman is on opposite me right now and WBGG-FM's Paul & Young Ron were busy on the beach. I just hope Schnitt took State Road 60 and not Alligator Alley, because I, Rush Limbaugh, am outta here!
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